you mean like this?

when i got home today i just do this.

and then i feel like...



after a while i think i need to do this


then this...


to feel a little bit calm... perhaps i should do this...


or no, not this, i mean this -

and find mr SR and give him this :

rumbles at heart

months ago, i was watching the most influential artist-couple in Korea. they are in fame for their contributions towards society albeit their acting/singing skills. perhaps their adorable children steal some of the attentions. one thing that made them prominent is when the wife said this 'having a 5-year-experience living with him, whenever he is next to me - my heart flutters'

jaw dropping!

this morning, albeit the sores on my body (due to the sudden excess exercise), i remember that feeling; doki-doki/dugeun-dugeun/thump thump/lub dup lub dup.

i thought i have lost it. like happily losing it, but sadly it never went away.

i remember after a long hiatus, he made me breakfast in the kitchen. i just let him do all his job and we're having a meal like a stranger. it felt weird but OK. i couldn't see him in the eyes even i had almost feelings out of him - at least there were traces of memories but i kindly ignored them away.

but i noticed after that moment, my heart rumbled as crazy as it could. and i (think i) fell in love with him again.

along with high tides and long winding road, we were apart again. this time for true as i swear myself never to see him again.

albeit new life he leads (yet it took me unfrivolously long time to get over him by saying I'm happy he's happy), we were in contact without i finish saying ...he's happy.

i thought i've moved on. i thought we've ended. i thought he heads a bigger family and make me saying with a big smile; 'yeah! he's happy'

yet we are, meeting at the adjoining point in our life to think where this will end. it might not yet resume but i don't want this to end either.

a small voice saying this to me - let's put this to a dead end where we have to get back on our life and let us not to cross-path. that'll be better.

on the other hands, let your heart flutters without knowing what lies ahead.

as for now, let the flow lead me the way.

care.101.

doki-doki all the way

perhatian:

i've closed my fb's account-shut off my phone-reduce my prime time at YM!-cut down time to the cinema OOO

don't worry - the distress won't kill me. just the motivation as i see it.

'now i'm feeling so fly like a G6!'

this is my ride and it's on the acceleration mode towards the warp zone.

btw, i'm OK (thanks for asking)

this is it

tiket balik - ticked!
kemas barang2 rumah hantar ke malaysia - ticked!

terminate segala mala bil - in progress

thesis? uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!

bekerjalah dgn lebih tekun!!!

roh.binatang!

lama gila tak update kat sini

sekarang pukul 3 pagi.
jangan tanya saya kenapa saya tak tidur lagi.
harini saja saya dah minum 2 tin red bull dan co-q10. sekarang saya sedang menghirup kopi panas pula.

kepala saya dah pening.
tapi saya kena usaha buat kerja.
sekarang saya takde masa nak sakit, takde masa nak fikir masalah orang lain.
sebab saya hanya nampak satu benda yang paling penting dalam hidup saya - habiskan PhD saya.

sementelaah saya hilang sebulan lebih ni, saya pergi ke Germany untuk bentang projek saya.
pengalaman di sana boleh la tahan best. tak sangka dah sebulan dah saya tak tidur malam risau2 nak present. Thanks Cik I sbb temankan saya wp dia pergi dgn hati lega, saya pergi dengan hati gundah gulana. haha!

Kemudian, pulang sahaja ke UK saya bertapa di Aberdeen sambil menyiapkan submission jurnal saya. Balik-balik godzilla suh buat kerja dalam lab. hmmm... sabar aje lah.

Sekarang ni saya sedang multi-task buat kerja di lab sambil menaip thesis waktu malam. Nasib baik library tutup pukul 2.30 pagi, mmg saya gunakan sebaik mungkin lah. Rutin ni insha'Allah akan berjalan sampai akhir May. Nanti dah cuti summer, library pun tutup seperti biasa. Maka, saya tak boleh nak stay back. Mungkin saya akan stay di lab pula. Dah summer taklah takut sangat walaupun ada sekali masa pukul 12 tgh malam ada 3 orang abang polis ronda dalam lab saya. Diorang terkejut saya pun terkejut. Haha!

Bercakap tentang stay back, aritu ade sorang budak sebelah lab saya tanya saya, 'mcm mana ko leh dtg awal ke lab? aku cuba gak dtg awal, tgk2 ko dtg lagi awal. Aku cuba gak stay lewat - tapi ko stay lagi lewat. Aku cuba gak dtg weekend, ko tetap ada kat lab. Pastu tiap kali aku nampak ko buat keje kat lab, ko asyik senyum aje, tak stress pun. kalau ko nak tau, ko lah sumber inspirasi kitorang kat sini' haha! lawak la budak ni buat confession mcm tu kan. Adakah diorang tahu yang orang Asian ni semuanya kiasu? Oh! maybe lah saya sorang aje Asian kat lab so diorang tatau. Tapi saya pelik, diorang tau tak saya ni pemalas orgnya? Kalau saya rajin, by this time saya dah viva kot! Ok, rajin bukanlah the only key for doing PhD. naseb pun kena play part gak. SV pun kena play part gak. Tapi yang paling penting, diri sendiri. Kalau malas nak gi lab - ingat results nak dtg bergolek? Kalau malas baca buku, ingat thesis tu leh tulis sendiri? Dahlah nak menulis style diorang sgt mencabar. Kau baca 10 review pun belum tentu leh dapat tulis summary yang elok. So, usaha mesti lebih - kalau orang sini spend masa 6 bulan untuk menulis, saya mahu buat dalam masa 3 bulan sahaja. With double amount of time ahead from them. Sebab dalam diam saya pun kiasu juga! haha! tapi lepas confession budak tu, mmg saya perasan lah semua budak2 PhD/masters bawah saya mmg akan dtg awal/balik lambat/dtg waktu weekend. haha! adekah saya jadi benchmark diorang? ataupun diorang kena warn dgn SV diorang... 'kalau amal leh dtg waktu wiken, asal korang takleh kalau amal leh datang kol 6 pagi, asal korg takleh?' omg! saya rasa bersalah pada diorang... sumimasen deshita!!!

Oh ye! Barang2 rumah dah ship separuh. Cuma yang tinggal baju2 nak pakai waktu summer, dan barang2 makan yang boleh tahan lagi setahun. Pastu ada hati nak beli TV 50 inci dgn Xbox 360. Sebab nak main kinect kat TV 50 inci tu. haha! tak bleh blah. fokus amal! fokus!

Rumah macam tongkang pecah. Dah tak larat dah nak masak, nak kemas umah, nak lipat baju. Semua tu dah bukan prioriti. Ni nak mandi pun fikir 2,3 kali - punyalah malas nak capai kualiti dalam hidup. Kalau saya dah boleh tumbuh jambang, jambang saya dah sampai ke dada dah sbb malas nak cukur. Sekarang semuanya malas. Naseb saya ni single. Kalau saya laki, saya pun tanak couple dgn perempuan mcm saya ni. Haih...!

Sakura is everywhere. Petanda spring sudah mari. Tapi cuaca masih sejuk walaupun org sini kata dah warm dah ni. Saya pun tak paham. Warm mendenya kalau still kena pakai baju 2,3 lapis? Update boleh tengok di flickr saya ;)

Saya punya plan mahu hiking bulan June. Lepas abih pening segalanya. Tapi oleh kerana saya makan q10 dan berat badan saya naik disebabkan itu, saya tak rasa saya boleh turun dari panjat gunung dengan selamatnya. haha! tapi saya tanak pk lagi. Yang penting sekarang - siapkan thesis!!!!!! XD

I'm looking fwd nak balik msia. mesia mesia mesia! I wanna go home!